Jun 30 2008
How to discuss depression with a man
In research I did for “Back from the Brink Too” I was amazed at how many women were at a loss as to how to encourage their men to see a doctor when it appeared they were showing all the classic signs of depression. Either the man would point blank refuse to see a doctor, or they would assert there was nothing wrong. Having gone through a severe depression myself and tried to pretend there was nothing wrong I have some thoughts on this topic.
Men are socialised to be self sufficient
I remember my then wife, being totally perplexed as to why I had not discussed my absolute despair with her prior to making an attempt on my life. I really believed at the time, that a man should be able to sort out their own crisis. Be sensitive to the male ego. Accept that for many men it is extremely hard to talk about emotions and feelings of inadequacy and doubt. It is best to talk about behaviour rather that threaten his self esteem. For example you could say “I’m concerned that you are waking up at 4am and not being able to get back to sleep again. I want you to know that I love you and I don’t want you feel under any pressure to discuss it now, but I’m here if there is anything you would like to talk about which is worrying you.”
Try multiple choice
Because a man often has difficulty talking about feelings, he may respond better to multiple choice. For example, “Are you feeling worried,sad, or angry right now?”
Affirm their competence
Again remember the male ego. You could say: “I have always been impressed with how well you have managed many things. I know at the moment you seem to be having some difficulty and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to ease your load?”
Engage in problem solving through asking the right questions
Let him appear to be in control. You could say: “I know you have many pressures on your time at the moment, what are the things that are causing you to lose sleep? What do you think can be done about it? Have you considered asking someone else for help/advice?” If they are struggling to come up with answers, then this might be the time to suggest strategies or someone they could talk to.
The power of the written word
If all else fails you might consider writing a letter following the guidelines outlined above. I have heard many examples of where a depressed person has responded to a letter where all previous attempts to discuss the same thing have drawn a blank.
If you have found a strategy that you have found helpful when talking to a man about depression, I would love to hear from you.
