Other people get sick of someone who seems to send mixed messages about whether they want to /or are able to commit to an activity. Sometimes I have agreed to do something lately and have had to cancel as I’ve been too unwell to go at the last minute . There are not too many people that will keep contacting you if this happens too often and it’s not always possible to reveal the real reason you are unwell

I have once been a carer and i came to the realization that i needed to apply the same caring techniques i learned as a carer to myself, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. During the pits of my depression i blamed God for letting me down over the years. I was bewildered by what i thought were His broken promisses to me. Finally i reconcilled myself to the fact that He is God and i am me and i gave Him an easier time and let off on Him. I put His promises back in his control and did not make expectations on Him. Well that has freed me from my own as a result. We both get on alot better these days, as i have learned to show Him unconditional love too, i found i am more able to love myself too.

I was homeless (going from friends place to friends place) and i had no information available about depression. After contemplating and activating a plan to end my own life, i caught myself, through the tablets out, and stopped writting my goodbye letter, took another look at how my life was going and decided that movement in my life was off utmost importance! It did not matter whether it would work out or not, or whether i would fail, all that mattered to me was that i am trying. Even the smallest attempts i would considere a great achievement. The truth is that most of my goals have failed, and i seemed to come full circle in my attempts, but nothing stays the same, and what i have gained in the process of trying alone has been my reward. As i took stock of how i felt back then to how i feel now i realise how far i have come, as i take stock of my goals 9 out of 10 i did not complete or i did not achive, but i did give it a thoroughly good try. I do things now for enjoyment, that’s enough reward, and if i finally achieve my goals (I’m studying) that would be the icing on the cake.

I’ve only just this week came along your book ‘Back from the Brink’ and it has really encouraged me to see that i am on the right path and i am doing the things that will keep me going toward recovery.

Bless you Graeme in the your work you are doing.

Lynette

I don’t have much time to add this comment this morning, I’ve got to rush off to work.

On the other side of the fence, I have often felt guilty for staying in a relationship and putting my children through the ups and downs. There have been times when our lives were in complete turmoil. The verbal violence is enough to break your heart and your spirit.

It’s been a hard road to know which way to go whether to stay or go.

My hubby is a good man and I have struggled with this situation, how could I take the children away from him or leave him alone with his depression, at times I didn’t know if he was safe or whether it was safe to leave the children alone with him. He had commented that he wanted to TOP himself, I had no idea what that meant. I spent many months not leaving the children alone with him. I eventually said something to him and he said he was not feeling like that any more.

His depression has lasted for a very long time, over 15 years, he seems to be getting better at times, then the irrational stuff comes back into our lives and I am gobsmacked once again.

I will say, this stuff was making me a basket case but I have actually become a stronger person after it all.

I find it difficult to help him as he will take medication then stop taking it and then he won’t talk about it or tells me I need to take the pills because I am the one who is depressed. At times it’s still a little confusing.

It’s hard for someone like me who has had nothing as a young person/child to understand why someone who has 4 beautiful healthy lovely children, a wife who really loves him, a good job, a roof over his head and food on the table can be depressed. I feel like we have to appreciate the good things in life and what we have and have achieved, but I understand that we don’t all think this way.

Anyway, thanks for writing your books Graeme, I was chatting to a person one night who has become a good friend about my hubby and she was reading your book and just happened to be a life line counsellor. I believe people come into our lives for a reason and she was here to help me by getting me to read your books and to help me through this.

It must have taken you great courage to face your depression and then to help others. I Thank you!!! Jannice

In life’s usually timely fashion, I was forced to face one aspect of the guilt cycle the day before I read Jenny’s questions about guilt. Though I am fortunate enough to have only have physical limitations with only mild times of feeling down, I do often feel guilty for all those things I am forced to leave for my longsuffering and very willing husbabd to do. I still find it hard to ask him for help but find it harder to ask my son (who’ has Asberger’s syndrome and Type 1 diabetes) for help. Harder still to ask my adult children to help out - after all, they have their own families to help

This week, I had medical appointments and, as my daughter had need for my car, I ‘allowed’ her to drive me, feeling no guilt because I had already loaned my car to her. And we had the best of times! One reason, I realised, was because she felt so good about helping me!

What had I been thinking, all those times I said, “No, I’ll be right,” when I clearly wasn’t?

In doing so, I had denied my own kids the joy of giving.

I remembered back to the time when I was a young pastor’s wife. I’d complained that I hated having to accept help and gifts from people I barely knew. My new husband told me I needed to stop being so proud, explaining that these people may have no one else to minister to and, by saying no or accepting begrudgingly, I was taking away from their ministry.

“You can’t only give to others, you have to accept from them, too.”

I’d forgotton those wise words until I saw my daughter’s joy when I accepted her help!

Other things I have learnt is that willing helpers often do things differently from the way I envisage a chore should be done and have learnt to turn a blind eye to dusty corners and smile my thanks when my husband cleans ‘his way’. I have also stopped apologising for having to pace myself and to start over when I have had an interruption (caused by pain and/or fatigue) where once I would have berated myself for ‘failing again!’ When I’m battling to stay on top, I push thoughts of guilt to one side - and have learnt it is better to use my energies elsewhere. And, on those days when feelings of guilt refuse to go away, I try to find one thing I can do, one person I can encourage. Baby steps! My son finds it nigh impossible to go out to help others but many people enjoy his website so he has found a way to give when, to someone who doesn’t know him, he only seems to accept help.

Graeme, I am rambling as one thought tumbles to another, but please let Jenny know that I admire her for speaking up and becoming a voice for all of us who feel guilty, whether with good reason or through no fault of our own.

Bless you,

Kaye

I have forwarded the information about the seminar to quite a few people. Already I have had positive feedback from one friend who will definitely register & several who are thinking seriously of doing so. I put my own little bit in about how wonderful & positive the seminar was for me, especially after starting to work on the 7 strategies. Do you know how much better I feel than 4 or 5 weeks ago ?

Thanks again Graeme. I will email with that guilt info. asap

Happiness & Light,
Jenny

I believe guilt that results from perceived personal failure is a significantly causative factor in a person becoming depressed - at least it was for me … failure in my parenting goals, failure to protect my adult children from relationship hurts, failure to assist aging and widowed parents adequately, failure to please my spouse, failure to do sufficient housework, failure to give up smoking, failure to be at everyone’s beck and call … the list can go on.

To overcome guilt, I needed to assess WHO it was that decided that I was supposed to do all the undone things that I felt guilty about … and a reality check of what was within my power to accomplish helped me overcome guilt too.

A lot of what I expected of myself came from social and cultural ‘norms’
that I had accepted unquestionably e.g. women are supposed to do the housework (regardless of working outside the home), children (regardless of
age) are supposed to please their parents, wives are supposed to meet their husbands needs, etc.

On pondering the ‘rules of life’ that I had failed so miserably to achieve, I realised that (a) they were not realistic or practical ‘rules’, (b) they were not MY personally chosen ‘rules’, and (c) I could actually make an adult decision to choose to obey them - or not. I learnt that I had the right to choose which ‘rules and responsibilities’ I wanted to achieve …
and to determine which ‘rules’ I was actually capable of achieving.

A lot of what I had expected of myself was not within my locus of control so I had to accept that I am not God and can not do all that I would like to be able to do i.e. I needed to reduce my unrealistic expectations of myself.

In my experience, guilt is a very wearying emotion and seriously adds to, if not causes, depression. A large part of overcoming my depression was achieved by concentrating mainly on what I like to do, what I enjoy doing, and recognising that I have every right to enjoy my life i.e. my life is not all about pleasing other people. I am allowed to love/please me first before I need to love/please anyone else.

My advice to your participant would be to decide what she actually wants to do in her life … what does she enjoy doing (or did enjoy doing prior to her depression) … and to just do those things that she loves (one nice thing every day) … to pamper herself and to treat herself well.

Sincerely
Sue QLD

Heather

Thanks for that. I’m really impressed!!!

I think you covered everything really well in your response and you’ve got some really positive feedback there.

I just pulled out a sheet I found by accident the other day from some work I did with a clinical psych.a couple of years ago. I was having HUGE problems with lack of motivation, inactivity and subsequent guilt. She wrote down a few things to help with kick-starting my daily schedule. People who are severely depressed may not be up for this but I found it useful. It looks like this:

Activities Scheduling

Goals: 1) to do SOME things

2) to avoid doing too much

On your list, there are 3 categories:

1) “must do” (keep to a minimal level)

2) “would like to do”

3) “extras”

REMEMBER TO INCLUDE PLEASANT ACTIVITIES!!!!!

At the end of the day/week, review.

Something else that comes to mind is to remember something we’ve spoken about at Grow. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t be expected to run in the 100m. With depression, it’s a very real illness but not necessarily visible, and requires care, support and lots of TLC. Don’t beat yourself up when you’re already carrying an injury!!!

Thanks for inviting my input, Graeme.

Take care,

Kylie