Comments on: What do you do when someone refuses to seek help for depression?

By: Tyanne

Tyanne — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 19:05:05 +0000

uV2G8e Good point. I hadn’t thought about it quite that way.

By: Iroleinjeni

Iroleinjeni — Sat, 30 May 2009 18:22:34 +0000

I just came back from vaction and my boss surprised me with a lay off. So I’m pretty depressed right now and looking for another damn job. I got plan to make some money and got my self in Hawaii, I just dream about that wonderful place in the world.

By: Chantal/Isobel

Chantal/Isobel — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:13:30 +0000

Dear Graeme

Thank you for posting my story, I appreciate all of the heart felt stories, however Chris and Leisa made me feel a lot better.

Chris your positivity made me feel silly for doubting and feeling sorry for myself, and Leisa, the experience you are going through is really difficult. I wish all of the best for you and your family! I think your description made me more understanding and possibly patient?

All of the best
Isobel

By: Graeme

Graeme — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 05:19:42 +0000

This is a really tough question for me. I lost my brother to suicide 5 years ago and had similar discussions with him. I would tell him that you love him and care for him. I would give him some information regarding statistics of male depression and suicide and say that you are concerned that he may be depressed and that it is actually a manageable condition but that he needs to reach out and get the proper advice. You could also mention that often depression is a symptom of another underlying physical illness and that everybody needs a good check up from time to time. If you are really concerned I would visit his doctor. The doctor does not have to discuss anything about his case with you but you can alert the doctor to the issue and then it is up to the doctor to follow up. Perhaps even talk with one of his mates and get them to raise the issue. If you can get someone to assist him to write a care plan with some advanced directives as to how he would like to be managed should he become more unwell it would be really helpful and would not only enable the help to come to him, it would also empower him to seek help.

Heather

By: Graeme

Graeme — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 04:26:10 +0000

PERSONAL CHANGE
I agree with Chris that you can only change yourself but when I was depressed I often felt that I was beyond help and so there wasn’t great personal motivation to try new things. This is where I think the carer plays an invaluable role. They can often remember what thingS were like when their partner was well. Although patience is essential, I believe that in order to hasten the recovery process it is desirable for the caregiver to encourage positive action.

FINDING A SUITABLE DOCTOR
There have been some excellent insights here which only highlight what a complex issue it is. Finding a mental health professional that the person relates to can be a big challenge as Meredith highlights. This is often compounded with a young person, as there are very few doctors that specialise in this area.

THE SHAME ASSOCIATED WITH DEPRESSION
Leisa raises an excellent point regarding the shame people often feel to have a mental illness. I know in my earlier episodes of depression that I was bordering on paranoid trying to keep my illness secret from the world.

What I have come to understand is that friends and family are much more understanding regarding depression than they once were (workplace still has a long way to go). I can only speak for myself but I have found that the response from people has been overwhelmingly supportive when I outlined what I am going through.
Graeme

By: Leisa

Leisa — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 03:01:26 +0000

Dear Isobel/Graeme,

I am a person currently suffering from depression. I am in a relationship also. The irrational and scary thoughts that enter into my mind make me feel such shame and guilt, that I find myself also pushing my partner away, (which makes me feel just awful as well). These thoughts are something I don’t want to share with my partner, in case he changes his mind about me, and once they are out there, I can’t take them back. I have thought of running away, but that is not going to solve any problem, and when I eventually settle and think rationally, I really don’t want our situation to change. It is very hard and I feel like I’m doing a daily battle and it’s harder to remain normal for the both of us. It’s just guilt upon guilt upon guilt!

Isobel, maybe your partner feels the same way, in some way like me he is protecting you from how he feels, although we show a funny way of dealing with it. I recently made the decision to tell my psychologist how I really felt which was very hard. I also recently told my trusted sister how I was really feeling. She had been through depression a few years ago, and told me that was how she felt also. I also visit a psychartrist and will talk to him about how I actually feel as well. These are all very hard decisions, but hopefully your partner just like me will find that they just have to talk to someone (it is better if it is a professional) about his true feelings. Only now is a little bit of pressure comming off and I can calm irrational thoughts down although it takes some time. My partner does not believe I have depression (I must be up for an Academy Award), so he is very lucky that you are there to understand and that you are in contact. I can only suggest that you arm yourself with information for yourself and him.

Unfortuanately Isobel this illness takes the longest time and it feel like you are picking bits of brick out of a brick wall every day. I wish you the best of luck and continue to look after yourself.

kind regards
Leisa

By: Mandy Meredith

Mandy Meredith — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 21:06:26 +0000

Hi Graeme

I don’t have any answers just a comment about the reality of how hard it was for us to find a doctor Joey would engage with. A few months ago some parents were speaking to me about their son and said he sounds very like your daughter. We were at a Black Dog Institue Question and Answer Session. You may remember me Joey my beautiful 25 year old died from suicide on 13th June 2007. After reading some literature from Black Dog Institute and your book I said to these parents first you must get a proper diagnosis and they said how do we do that? It was quite confronting for me to hear but helpful in a way as I was feeling I had failed Joey and if only I had had all the information I now have I could have made a difference but realised from there question just having the information is not enough.
The parents had taken there son to a number of doctors, as I did with Joey,( there were so many doctors we went to) but there son did not want to go to any more doctors and tell his story again, I think that was the case for Joey too she did not engage with any of the proffessionals and became worn out trying differnt doctors. I fascilate between thinking she had a responsibility to engage with the professionals and the medical system let her down.
I ended up giving the parents I spoke to your book and hoped it was a help to them.

Sorry this is not very helpful just sounds a bit hopeless, I understand if it is not appropriate to post. I guess there is a whole question after you actually are successful in a peron getting professional help how to find the right one for them and the responsibility they have and the professional has in making this a helpful successful step in their recovery.

By: Chris

Chris — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 10:43:31 +0000

While I think you have given insightful informed information to Isobel I believe that you have skirted roung what the main thing is!! It seems obvious that while she is reading and learning she is changing. Change is good but then again it is scarry to the other part of a relationship. You have to change in a way that is balanced and equal. It seem that Isobel has made changes and with those changes her partner has inevatably changed which is great I feel she is halfway there already. All we ever have to work with is our selves we can never change others even though it is because we love them we urgently want some change. Change will only come by constancy of ones own change. I do not mean beating another up over their non change but allowing them to see the difference in you, while they see that and that the old games that have been part of a relationship are now not played out as they once were they that person has to make some changes, which it looks like he is making some steps. But remember Baby steps is the way of great change. Regards Chris Keep up the great work..