Comments on: Depression may be linked to an inability to let go of unrealistic goals http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/ Helping people bounce back and thrive from life's challenges Thu, 09 Sep 2010 12:44:35 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: Graeme http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-311 Graeme Tue, 04 May 2010 16:22:14 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-311 Hi Kirsten, What a distressing situation you find yourself in. I think it would help for your mother to see a professional counsellor if she is willing. I'm not sure where you are based, but if you are in Australia you may like to check out www.GoodTherapy.com.au to help identify someone appropriate. There is a beautiful book (and movie) called "Tuesdays with Morrie" which is about a journalist visiting an old man who is approaching death on what are the truly important things in life. Looks are always transitory. It may be worth considering watching the DVD with her to see if it leads to any discussion. Good luck and kind regards Graeme Hi Kirsten,
What a distressing situation you find yourself in. I think it would help for your mother to see a professional counsellor if she is willing. I’m not sure where you are based, but if you are in Australia you may like to check out http://www.GoodTherapy.com.au to help identify someone appropriate.

There is a beautiful book (and movie) called “Tuesdays with Morrie” which is about a journalist visiting an old man who is approaching death on what are the truly important things in life. Looks are always transitory. It may be worth considering watching the DVD with her to see if it leads to any discussion.

Good luck and kind regards
Graeme

]]> By: Kirsten http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-310 Kirsten Mon, 03 May 2010 01:06:03 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-310 Hi Graeme, I'm actually writing to you about my experience with my mother who recently attempted suicide. She stated one of reasons as the fear of aging (she's 70). She has always been very obsessed with her looks and spends a large amount of money on cosmetic surgery. I guess for her, looking young is getting to be an unrealistic goal. My question is, how, when a person's whole identity is caught up with being or looking a certain way, and that is no longer achievable, can you, as a support person or carer, get the person to see that it is their way of viewing themselves that is not realistic? This has been devastating to us, more so as the motivation did not seem to be borne out of depression but of self obsession. Hi Graeme,
I’m actually writing to you about my experience with my mother who recently attempted suicide. She stated one of reasons as the fear of aging (she’s 70). She has always been very obsessed with her looks and spends a large amount of money on cosmetic surgery. I guess for her, looking young is getting to be an unrealistic goal.
My question is, how, when a person’s whole identity is caught up with being or looking a certain way, and that is no longer achievable, can you, as a support person or carer, get the person to see that it is their way of viewing themselves that is not realistic?
This has been devastating to us, more so as the motivation did not seem to be borne out of depression but of self obsession.

]]> By: Georgie http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-304 Georgie Tue, 16 Mar 2010 05:57:02 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-304 Hi Graeme I think you may be on to something... I know for me, I breakdown when I can least afford to (not financially). When I put myself under pressure, I crumble. I recently accepted a high power position in a bank and after only a few months, I crumbled. I had such aspirations about this new position and my coping skills that I signed a building contract on a half million dollar home. Then I started to worry, the self doubt crept in and that was it. I had my biggest crash yet. After 6 months I am not still not working and don't know when I will be. Maybe some people seem to have a lower breaking point because they have higher expectations. Now, how can I feel good about letting those high expectations go? :0 Hi Graeme

I think you may be on to something… I know for me, I breakdown when I can least afford to (not financially). When I put myself under pressure, I crumble. I recently accepted a high power position in a bank and after only a few months, I crumbled.

I had such aspirations about this new position and my coping skills that I signed a building contract on a half million dollar home. Then I started to worry, the self doubt crept in and that was it. I had my biggest crash yet. After 6 months I am not still not working and don’t know when I will be.

Maybe some people seem to have a lower breaking point because they have higher expectations.

Now, how can I feel good about letting those high expectations go? :0

]]> By: Graeme http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-278 Graeme Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:36:37 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-278 Hi Rita, You raise a point that I can so easily relate to. Not so long back I measured my worth according to where I was on the corporate ladder. I think that when you are on that treadmill you think that is the only world there is. What I have have discovered since leaving that environment is that there is many many other worlds out there that you don't encounter when you are meeting the same people every day. My advice would be to do some reflection on what are the things that you have been passionate about in the past. What are your drivers? What are your values? There are some quite good tools out there to help with that process. An excellent one has been put together by Martin Seligman from the school of positive pychology - he wrote the book Authentic Happiness - and at www.authentichappiness.org there is a tool which allows you to assess your character strengths. I think it is called a VIA Character strengths assessment. It's free and it allows you to understand your top 5 character strengths. Seligman says with research to back it up, that the most fulfilled people are those that use there top character strengths on a regualar basis. For career insight there is a very good tool at www.assessment.com called a MAP - Motivated Abilities Profile - this takes you through some questions and then reveals the top skills you are inherently motivated to use. It then tells you which vocations allow you to use those skills. Again there is a free version of this but I reckon the best option is one for about $US40 that gives a lot more detail and practical advice. With regard to your current situation - you don't need to change overnight - but if you start doing some of this reflection - with the help of a career coach you can then start plotting a new path at a time that suits you. I know I've never been happier or more fulfilled than I am now and I think that potential is there for everyone. The world is not as you know it now - you've only seen one facet of the diamond. Maybe it's time for another. Kind Regards Graeme Hi Rita,
You raise a point that I can so easily relate to. Not so long back I measured my worth according to where I was on the corporate ladder. I think that when you are on that treadmill you think that is the only world there is. What I have have discovered since leaving that environment is that there is many many other worlds out there that you don’t encounter when you are meeting the same people every day.

My advice would be to do some reflection on what are the things that you have been passionate about in the past. What are your drivers? What are your values?

There are some quite good tools out there to help with that process. An excellent one has been put together by Martin Seligman from the school of positive pychology - he wrote the book Authentic Happiness - and at http://www.authentichappiness.org there is a tool which allows you to assess your character strengths. I think it is called a VIA Character strengths assessment. It’s free and it allows you to understand your top 5 character strengths. Seligman says with research to back it up, that the most fulfilled people are those that use there top character strengths on a regualar basis.

For career insight there is a very good tool at http://www.assessment.com called a MAP - Motivated Abilities Profile - this takes you through some questions and then reveals the top skills you are inherently motivated to use. It then tells you which vocations allow you to use those skills. Again there is a free version of this but I reckon the best option is one for about $US40 that gives a lot more detail and practical advice.

With regard to your current situation - you don’t need to change overnight - but if you start doing some of this reflection - with the help of a career coach you can then start plotting a new path at a time that suits you.

I know I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled than I am now and I think that potential is there for everyone. The world is not as you know it now - you’ve only seen one facet of the diamond. Maybe it’s time for another.
Kind Regards
Graeme

]]> By: rita http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-277 rita Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:56:43 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-277 I've always been somewhat prone to depression but I have a high level of energy which compensated for it. But in the past few months I've had some pretty hard times at work and I find my depression is getting deeper. Much of it is the realization that at 53 any hopes of promoting within my job is pretty much out of the picture as management is looking for younger people to promote. It makes sense since I'm within 10 years of retirement if I follow the typical pattern in my place of employment. Letting this go is tough as I sort of flounder with no motivation or goals. Whats the answer? I won't be able to retire with the economy the way it is but I also have nowhere to go and I feel pretty stuck. I’ve always been somewhat prone to depression but I have a high level of energy which compensated for it. But in the past few months I’ve had some pretty hard times at work and I find my depression is getting deeper. Much of it is the realization that at 53 any hopes of promoting within my job is pretty much out of the picture as management is looking for younger people to promote. It makes sense since I’m within 10 years of retirement if I follow the typical pattern in my place of employment. Letting this go is tough as I sort of flounder with no motivation or goals. Whats the answer? I won’t be able to retire with the economy the way it is but I also have nowhere to go and I feel pretty stuck.

]]> By: Mark http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-268 Mark Wed, 30 Sep 2009 12:12:51 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-268 Hi, My mum sent me the link the other day because im going through a tough time now.This last depressive eposide has come from a vision I had of not being able to live a more meaningful life.In all areas of my life.I feel i have been growing into a more mature person, happy with myself and thinking rationally and keeping positive often. But this last thought seemed to strike some emotional cord so deep.First the continuos anxiety and then severe depression. I have been fighting this illness for the last 2 years since I stopped a long dependent period of illicit drugs.I didnt really have any goals as such, but im trying to work my way back into some sort of happy challenging life?? Hi,

My mum sent me the link the other day because im going through a tough time now.This last depressive eposide has come from a vision I had of not being able to live a more meaningful life.In all areas of my life.I feel i have been growing into a more mature person, happy with myself and thinking rationally and keeping positive often. But this last thought seemed to strike some emotional cord so deep.First the continuos anxiety and then severe depression. I have been fighting this illness for the last 2 years since I stopped a long dependent period of illicit drugs.I didnt really have any goals as such, but im trying to work my way back into some sort of happy challenging life??

]]> By: Lynette Mende http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-233 Lynette Mende Fri, 31 Jul 2009 08:24:30 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-233 I think that this theory is rather symplistic. Just as the process of going through grief and loss differs from one individual to the next as does the length of time one takes to go through grief and loss, depression also is a process similar to grief and loss, but with a chemical aspect included, much like when one has a diabeties condition, its a medical as well. I think ones values are involved more than the fact of unrealistic goals and i feel that depression is a time of the mind and body doing some evaluation time re-determining what our real values are and re-ordering these values. It is also a time to nurse ourselves through the hard knocks we have received over our lifetime. I personally believe that sensitive people are prone to depression because there is so much insensitivity surrounding our lives. Two groups of people, the sensitive and thoughtful kind and the hardened insensitive kind who lack any consideration toward others other than themselves. Life is a journey we are told, this journey i believe is learning how to negotiate between these two tyes of people who effect our lives and also maintain our true values. This is why i feel that self-esteem is effected in depression. It's tough remaining to be a sensitive person and kind-hearted in a world that is often quite cruel. I have learned to value my sensitive self and also how to deal with those who are insensitive and still retain my integrity. I now am not afraid to take on the adversities i face in life and do not feel overwhemed by these but rather joyfully take it on in my life's journey and dare to be my sensitive self. Yours sincerely Lynette I think that this theory is rather symplistic. Just as the process of going through grief and loss differs from one individual to the next as does the length of time one takes to go through grief and loss, depression also is a process similar to grief and loss, but with a chemical aspect included, much like when one has a diabeties condition, its a medical as well.

I think ones values are involved more than the fact of unrealistic goals and i feel that depression is a time of the mind and body doing some evaluation time re-determining what our real values are and re-ordering these values. It is also a time to nurse ourselves through the hard knocks we have received over our lifetime.

I personally believe that sensitive people are prone to depression because there is so much insensitivity surrounding our lives. Two groups of people, the sensitive and thoughtful kind and the hardened insensitive kind who lack any consideration toward others other than themselves.

Life is a journey we are told, this journey i believe is learning how to negotiate between these two tyes of people who effect our lives and also maintain our true values. This is why i feel that self-esteem is effected in depression. It’s tough remaining to be a sensitive person and kind-hearted in a world that is often quite cruel.

I have learned to value my sensitive self and also how to deal with those who are insensitive and still retain my integrity. I now am not afraid to take on the adversities i face in life and do not feel overwhemed by these but rather joyfully take it on in my life’s journey and dare to be my sensitive self.

Yours sincerely
Lynette

]]> By: Graeme http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-228 Graeme Fri, 24 Jul 2009 04:43:41 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-228 Hi Everyone, Thank you for your comments. Whilst it is very hard to generalize about about depression it seems that many people thought there is something to this theory with some doubters. Quite a few people have asked for more information about whisker goals so I attach a link to the first article I read about the concept: http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/133/made-to-stick-time-to-aim-lower.html Kind Regards Graeme Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your comments. Whilst it is very hard to generalize about about depression it seems that many people thought there is something to this theory with some doubters. Quite a few people have asked for more information about whisker goals so I attach a link to the first article I read about the concept:
http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/133/made-to-stick-time-to-aim-lower.html

Kind Regards
Graeme

]]> By: angi scott http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-227 angi scott Fri, 24 Jul 2009 01:08:40 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-227 Hi, Graeme I think it has some merit in what the hypotheses is linked to thinking and struggle to achieve unrealistic goals self estem non family support ive personly had no support from family and am struggling on my own Hi, Graeme I think it has some merit in what the hypotheses is linked to thinking and struggle to achieve unrealistic goals self estem non family support ive personly had no support from family and am struggling on my own

]]> By: Chris http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-224 Chris Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:05:42 +0000 http://overcomingdepressionblog.com/2009/07/12/depression-may-be-linked-to-an-inability-to-let-go-of-unrealistic-goals/#comment-224 This hypothesis the Professor is speaking of doesn’t take into account the genetic role of brain chemical imbalance nor the stresses of chronic illness such as diabetes which my psychiatrist believes is very closely linked to depression. They don’t understand the correlation of this but there is strong evidence that it exists. What he is saying about reaching unattainable goals is only part of the complexity of depression. I think sometimes that people confuse low mood which is experienced by most people at one time or other in their lives due to hurt, loss, grief or rejection and the like with deep clinical depression. For a long time I have been working on “baby steps” but the depth of the depression doesn’t seem to change. Sometimes the “baby step” can be as small as getting out of bed or taking a shower and the like. At the moment I’m giving myself permission to work on the computer etc during the morning and just chilling out in the afternoon reading or watching a DVD in my beautiful sunny lounge room. A lot of me not being able to attain goals is caused by my partner because he’s such a doer and his expectations of me or anyone for that matter is very high. A lot of my non self belief is a result of my family of origin and the messages which I perceived whilst growing up. As for the hypotheses relating to pain being a mechanism to stop a human from reaching a goal, when thinking of the pain experienced in childbirth, that pain is the positive force in the delivery of the baby. If there were any substance to this hypotheses I would think that would have stop women from the birthing experience. We each have to find the way through the maze of our life journey. This hypothesis the Professor is speaking of doesn’t take into account the genetic role of brain chemical imbalance nor the stresses of chronic illness such as diabetes which my psychiatrist believes is very closely linked to depression. They don’t understand the correlation of this but there is strong evidence that it exists.

What he is saying about reaching unattainable goals is only part of the complexity of depression.

I think sometimes that people confuse low mood which is experienced by most people at one time or other in their lives due to hurt, loss, grief or rejection and the like with deep clinical depression. For a long time I have been working on “baby steps” but the depth of the depression doesn’t seem to change.

Sometimes the “baby step” can be as small as getting out of bed or taking a shower and the like.

At the moment I’m giving myself permission to work on the computer etc during the morning and just chilling out in the afternoon reading or watching a DVD in my beautiful sunny lounge room. A lot of me not being able to attain goals is caused by my partner because he’s such a doer and his expectations of me or anyone for that matter is very high. A lot of my non self belief is a result of my family of origin and the messages which I perceived whilst growing up.

As for the hypotheses relating to pain being a mechanism to stop a human from reaching a goal, when thinking of the pain experienced in childbirth, that pain is the positive force in the delivery of the baby. If there were any substance to this hypotheses I would think that would have stop women from the birthing experience.

We each have to find the way through the maze of our life journey.

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