May 02 2011
Why men need help to ask for help?
In the lead up to ANZAC Day this year I had the opportunity to speak with a couple of veterans – one from WWII and one from the conflict in Afghanistan. Both confirmed that they had experienced a lot of stress when returning to Australia yet both said they found it very hard to talk with their colleagues about their anxiety. Although I have never been into battle, I could closely relate to their apprehension of admitting a “weakness”.
Why men need help to ask for help
While my wife slept beside me, and my young daughter was in the next room, I made the incredible decision to choose death. I didn’t even know what clinical depression was the first time I tried to take my own life. I was 31 years old and by all appearances had a successful life. I was married and had a one year old child and had recently moved into a new home. I had a successful career in sales and marketing but had just taken a career fork, moving into recruitment. Whilst I was enjoying my new role, I really hadn’t had enough time to excel at it, and I was accustomed to doing well at that to which I applied myself.
The uncertainty I was feeling about my career filled me with anxiety. I had continuous tension in my back that wouldn’t go away. Worse than the physical symptoms were the dark thoughts that wouldn’t go away. I saw myself as a failure and my self esteem plummeted. I would be wide awake at 3.30am, staring at the ceiling. I don’t know why I couldn’t reach out and tell someone how bad I was feeling – but I couldn’t. I felt that a man should be on top of life and vainly tried to think positive thoughts – but nothing changed. The early morning waking would leave me drained and hardly capable of working a full day, but I forced myself to keep going and the cycle of decline continued.
Since that momentous night 21 years ago, I have often reflected on why men find it so difficult to ask for help when they are experiencing tough times.
A lot has happened since then – I’ve had other severe depressive episodes, been divorced, lost my job, written a book - BACK FROM THE BRINK, and now speak regularly on how people can bounce back and thrive from challenging times. I’m now very grateful to lead a fulfilling and very happy life.
One of the most common questions that is asked at my seminars is “How do I get my husband/boyfriend/male to seek help when he so obviously needs it?”
The numbers don’t lie
Australian men have a life expectancy of 79 years versus 84 years for women. They account for 78% of suicides, 77% of accidental drowning, 75% of motor vehicle accident deaths, and 67% of melanoma deaths, 67% of lung related deaths, 62% deaths due to cancerous tumours, and 61% of deaths due to heart disease. In the last year 25% of men haven’t seen a doctor compared with 10% of women.
Why is this so?
It is clear that women are healthier than men, but why this is so is not clear. One of the most credited theories is that men have been socialized to self sufficient and encouraged by our culture to be tough. Many men believe that complaining of feeling ill or visiting the doctor is a threat to their masculinity or a waste of time, unless they are sick or injured.
In a recent survey conducted by Harris Interactive of 1,100 men for the American Academy of Family Physicians, 58% of men said they were reluctant to see a doctor. When asked why the two main reasons were:
· I only go to the doctor if I am extremely sick: 36%
· I am healthy, I have no reason to go to a doctor: 23%
The problem with this philosophy is that little problems have the habit of turning into big problems if they are ignored.
Of the men, nearly 80% said their spouse/significant other influences their decision to go to the doctor.
How do we start to influence males to visit their doctors more frequently?
Guiding Principles
Be sensitive to the male ego. I remember my wife being totally perplexed and wondering why I had not discussed my absolute despair with her prior to making an attempt on my life. Accept that for many men it is very hard to talk about emotions and feelings of doubt and inadequacy. It is best to talk about behaviour rather than threaten his self-esteem.
Try multiple choice. If a man has difficulty discussing feelings, he may respond better to multiple choice. For example, ‘Are you feeling worried, sad or angry right now?’
Affirm his competence. Again, remember the male ego. You could say, ‘I have always been impressed with how well you have managed so many things’.
Structuring the conversation
Break the ice
Discuss the weather, friends, family etc in a private place – walking outside is ideal.
Non Judgemental Questions
For example, you could say, ‘I’m concerned about you waking up at 4 am and not being able to get back to sleep. What are the things that are causing you to lose sleep? Why does that worry you so much? What do you think can be done about it? Have you considered asking someone else for help/advice?’ If they are struggling to come up with answers, then this might be the time to suggest strategies or someone they could talk to.
Encourage Action
Remember that nothing happens until someone moves. If you have a regular GP you should offer to make an appointment for them (and accompany them if they are willing).If they strongly resist going to the GP you could suggest they do an anonymous online depression test at www.blackdoginstitute.org.au
Subscribe to the Strive2ThriveTV YouTube Channel
I have established a YouTube Channel that provides some further background to my research.
Some of the videos include:
1. Resilience Guiding Principle One – The Moodometer
2. Resilience Guiding Principle Two – Strive2Thrive Roadmap
3. Resilience Guiding Principle Three – Taking Action
4. Resilience Guiding Principle Four – Problem Solving
5. What depression treatments really REALLY work
Join the BACK FROM THE BRINK FACEBOOK FAN PAGE
At this page you will find free downloadable pdf resources (over 40 available), videos and a community that is happy to share ideas and resources to bounce back and thrive from adversity and depression. Ask me any questions.
When Adversity Strikes, What Do You Do?
This Harvard Business Review article by Paul Soltz, tells how our core stories are about what happens when human beings and adversity collide. From those moments tragedies unravel and greatness is spawned. Adversity both destroys and elevates. It both strangles and sparks life.
What is your relationship with adversity? What role has it played in becoming who you are, in forging your essential character and mindset? How has it influenced your optimism, energy, opportunities, relationships, health, performance, capacity, and leaps of faith? Can you think of any force that has been more profoundly formative? Read More
As always, if you have a comment about any of these topics please respond to the blog.
Kind Regards
Graeme
Graeme Cowan is an International Speaker and award winning Author of the BACK FROM THE BRINK book series who educates people on how to bounce back from challenging times. www.GraemeCowan.com.au
