In the lead up to ANZAC  Day this year I had the opportunity to speak with a couple of veterans – one from WWII and one from the conflict in Afghanistan. Both confirmed that they had experienced a lot of stress when returning to Australia yet both said they found it very hard to talk with their colleagues about their anxiety.  Although I have never been into battle, I could closely relate to their apprehension of admitting a “weakness”.

While my wife slept beside me, and my young daughter was in the next room, I made the incredible decision to choose death. I didn’t even know what clinical depression was the first time I tried to take my own life. I was 31 years old and by all appearances had a successful life. I was married and had a one year old child and had recently moved into a new home. I had a successful career in sales and marketing but had just taken a career fork, moving into recruitment. Whilst I was enjoying my new role, I really hadn’t had enough time to excel at it, and I was accustomed to doing well at that to which I applied myself.

The uncertainty I was feeling about my career filled me with anxiety. I had continuous tension in my back that wouldn’t go away. Worse than the physical symptoms were the dark thoughts that wouldn’t go away. I saw myself as a failure and my self esteem plummeted. I would be wide awake at 3.30am, staring at the ceiling. I don’t know why I couldn’t reach out and tell someone how bad I was feeling – but I couldn’t. I felt that a man should be on top of life and vainly tried to think positive thoughts – but nothing changed. The early morning waking would leave me drained and hardly capable of working a full day, but I forced myself to keep going and the cycle of decline continued.

Since that momentous night 21 years ago, I have often reflected on why men find it so difficult to ask for help when they are experiencing tough times.

A lot has happened since then  – I’ve had other severe depressive episodes, been divorced, lost my job, written a book - BACK FROM THE BRINK, and now speak regularly on how people can bounce back and thrive from challenging times.  I’m now very grateful to lead a fulfilling and very happy life.

One of the most common questions that is asked at my seminars is “How do I get my husband/boyfriend/male to seek help when he so obviously needs it?”

The numbers don’t lie

Australian men have a life expectancy of 79 years versus 84 years for women.  They account for 78% of suicides, 77% of accidental drowning, 75% of motor vehicle accident deaths, and 67% of melanoma deaths, 67% of lung related deaths, 62% deaths due to cancerous tumours, and 61% of deaths due to heart disease. In the last year 25% of men haven’t seen a doctor compared with 10% of women.

Why is this so?

 It is clear that women are healthier than men, but why this is so is not clear. One of the most credited theories is that men have been socialized to self sufficient and encouraged by our culture to be tough. Many men believe that complaining of feeling ill or visiting the doctor is a threat to their masculinity or a waste of time, unless they are sick or injured.

In a recent survey conducted by Harris Interactive of 1,100 men for the American Academy of Family Physicians, 58% of men said they were reluctant to see a doctor. When asked why the two main reasons were:

·         I only go to the doctor if I am extremely sick: 36%

·         I am healthy, I have no reason to go to a doctor: 23%

The problem with this philosophy is that little problems have the habit of turning into big problems if they are ignored.

Of the men, nearly 80% said their spouse/significant other influences their decision to go to the doctor.

How do we start to influence males to visit their doctors more frequently?

Guiding Principles

Be sensitive to the male ego. I remember my wife being totally perplexed and wondering why I had not discussed my absolute despair with her prior to making an attempt on my life. Accept that for many men it is very hard to talk about emotions and feelings of doubt and inadequacy. It is best to talk about behaviour rather than threaten his self-esteem.

Try multiple choice. If a man has difficulty discussing feelings, he may respond better to multiple choice. For example, ‘Are you feeling worried, sad or angry right now?’

Affirm his competence. Again, remember the male ego. You could say, ‘I have always been impressed with how well you have managed so many things’.

Structuring the conversation

Break the ice

Discuss the weather, friends, family etc in a private place – walking outside is ideal.

Non Judgemental Questions

For example, you could say, ‘I’m concerned about you waking up at 4 am and not being able to get back to sleep. What are the things that are causing you to lose sleep? Why does that worry you so much? What do you think can be done about it? Have you considered asking someone else for help/advice?’ If they are struggling to come up with answers, then this might be the time to suggest strategies or someone they could talk to.

Encourage Action

Remember that nothing happens until someone moves. If you have a regular GP you should offer to make an appointment for them (and accompany them if they are willing).If they strongly resist going to the GP you could suggest they do an anonymous online depression test at www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

 

Subscribe to the Strive2ThriveTV YouTube Channel

I have established a YouTube Channel that provides some further background to my research.

Some of the videos include:

1.       Resilience Guiding Principle One – The Moodometer

2.       Resilience Guiding Principle Two – Strive2Thrive Roadmap

3.       Resilience Guiding Principle Three – Taking Action

4.       Resilience Guiding Principle Four – Problem Solving

5.       What depression treatments really REALLY work

View Strive2ThriveTV

Join the BACK FROM THE BRINK FACEBOOK FAN PAGE

At this page you will find free downloadable pdf resources (over 40 available), videos and a community that is happy to share ideas and resources to bounce back and thrive from adversity and depression. Ask me any questions.

Join the Facebook Page

 

When Adversity Strikes, What Do You Do?

This Harvard Business Review article by Paul Soltz, tells how our core stories are about what happens when human beings and adversity collide. From those moments tragedies unravel and greatness is spawned. Adversity both destroys and elevates. It both strangles and sparks life.

What is your relationship with adversity? What role has it played in becoming who you are, in forging your essential character and mindset? How has it influenced your optimism, energy, opportunities, relationships, health, performance, capacity, and leaps of faith? Can you think of any force that has been more profoundly formative? Read More

 As always, if you have a comment about any of these topics please respond to the blog.

Kind Regards

Graeme

 

 

 

Graeme Cowan is an International Speaker and award winning Author of the BACK FROM THE BRINK book series who educates people on how to bounce back from challenging times.  www.GraemeCowan.com.au

 

 

Tags: anxiety, depression at work, depression treatments, mental health speaker, overcoming depression, resilience speaker, work stress

For it’s first year, 2009’s RUOK? Day had many highlights including 650,000 Australian’s reaching out to someone they were concerned about and asking “RUOK?” - but we want your help to make it better.

Just prior to a recent presentation I did regarding mental health in the workplace, I surveyed the HR Managers and CEO’s who attended and asked them, what were the biggest concerns they had about asking someone who appeared to be struggling “Are you OK?”.

These were there top 3 concerns:

·         How do you broach the subject with them?

·         How do you best support people managers who are trying to help them?

·         What do you tell other team members?

If you have at one time struggled in the workplace with depression, stress, or anxiety, I’d like to ask your help in recommending an approach which is good for the employee, the team, and the organisation.

Last year for RUOK? Day we produced a form to help individuals feel  more comfortable approaching  the person they were concerned about.

This is the approach we recommended:

Put yourself in their shoes

The reason most people don’t ask RUOK? to someone they care about, is that they don’t know what to say, or are afraid of “opening a can of worms”.

If you were the one struggling and had lost hope, would you want someone you cared about to ask RUOK? What would you like them to say?

The “Golden Rule” is an ethical code that is shared across most major religions and cultures that states “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Many Australians have embraced this idea during tough times; think of the Victorian bushfires, when millions of Australians reached out to help each other. RUOK? is another day where we challenge Australians to treat one another as you’d like to be treated. 

BREAK THE ICE	Start a general conversation somewhere private	“What’s been happening?…. “I’ve been concerned recently that….(e.g.  you are becoming isolated from work mates…seem to be quite stressed and behind in your work…. “It is so unlike you and I’ve wondering are you ok? Is there anything that is contributing?”
	Build trust through good eye contact, open body language and relaxed disposition
	Ask open ended questions to raise concerns based on their behaviour
LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT	Guide the conversation with caring questions	Listen to the person without judging them as lazy or weak, they are trying to cope as best they can. Don’t give advice like “cheer up” or “pull yourself together”  or “you’ll be right mate”
	The more they talk the better – a problem shared is a problem halved
	Don’t rush to solve problems for them - it is better to have a full understanding of the issues
ENCOURAGE ACTION	Summarise the issues and ask them if they have thought about what to do next	“So it sounds like you’re having a really tough time…..” - encourage the person to get professional help  “Have you thought about talking to your GP or EAP?” - make a time to chat about it again over coffee in a few days to follow up on their action plan
	Encourage them to take one step to address the issues (see p3)
	It is essential to follow up – nothing changes until someone acts
DENIAL?	If they deny the problem, do not criticise them. Acknowledge they are not ready to talk	Avoid a confrontation with the person unless it is necessary to prevent them hurting themselves or others It’s ok to ask them if they are thinking about suicide.
	Say you are still concerned about changes in their behaviour
	Ask if you can enquire again next week if no improvement

 

After the event last year we surveyed a sample of employers to ask them how they found effective  they found this resource - 73% rated it effective or very effective, and 27% somewhat effective.

 I would like to ask the experts, the ones who have struggled with a mood disorder in the workplace, is there anything you would suggest to improve this approach – given that it has to be no more that a page long.

Please respond to this blog and answer these 3 questions:

1.       Can you suggest any improvements to this approach?

2.       If you had the opportunity to give your boss advice on how best to handle the situation, what would you suggest?

3.       What are your thoughts about informing other team members that you are working with a mood disorder?

Many thanks for helping us continue to improve our approach.

Regards

Graeme

If you think your organisation (or another) may be interested in having me as a speaker, please refer them to: www.GraemeCowan.com.au or call my office on +61 2 8014 8867.

 

“Graeme delivered an exceptional presentation to our client group consisting of CEOs and Human Resources Managers on the topic of “Best Practice in managing mental health in the workplace”. Everyone was riveted to Graeme’s personal experience as well as the incredibly powerful suggestions for handling employees (and personal contacts) suffering from stress and depression. The suggestions were practical and simple and relevant to workplace situations. His style is so genuine and open that the majority of client feedback said it is one of the most compelling presentations they had seen in many years. Graeme has done some amazing research, both locally and internationally, on various aspects of mental health. He was also able to effectively demonstrate the corporate savings and the business case for addressing employee mental health and productivity. Given Graeme’s corporate background and his personal experiences I couldn’t recommend him more highly in either a consulting or speaking capacity. He is an inspirational speaker.” June 9, 2010 Diane Humphries, Managing Director Cameron Recruitment

 

 

Tags: anxiety, depression at work, depression treatments, mental health speaker, resilience speaker, work stress